The Florida Turnpike, hence forth to be referred to as "retard road". "What could the road have done to you?" you ask? Let me tell you, I was heading out to a airbrush get together this Sunday. The get together was held in St. Cloud in the middles of the state. This required me to drive down the retard road for a distance of 9 miles. I get on retard road at mile marker 249 looking for exit 240. At exit 244 there is a sign that reads "next exit 56 miles" this concerns me greatly because, as I previously mentioned, I was looking for exit 240 which in the normal world would be 4 miles up the road. "Tom" I say to myself "It must be a new exit keep going" so I did.
Sure enough shortly up the road is a sign that advises exit 240 is 1 mile up the road and is the last exit for 53 miles. The next exit being YeeHaw Junction."Self" I said to myself "it's your lucky day exit 240 exists". As 3/4 of the next mile passes and I approach the exit with very little time to make a choice I view a sign, much to my dismay, that informs the unlucky travellers of retard road that exit 240 is a Sun Pass only exit. For the woefully uninformed among you a SunPass is a little device you buy and stick on your windshield that racks up your tolls then you pay the bill at the end of the month. Usually used by travelling business people or locals who spend a lot of time of Floridas toll roads. Now, I have seen exits on toll roads in Florida, and only in Florida, that were unmanned and required exact change so I was prepared on my journey with a pocket full of quarters. But what in Gods good name do you do when you need a Sun Pass to get off retard road in the middle of nowhere?
- As a side bar I would like to remind you that the next exit is 53 miles up the road and is at a place named YeeHaw Junction. Being a anal virgin, and with the hopes of remaining one for the rest of my life, I will not willingly drive to anyplace that has a name that sounds like something out of the movie Deliverance. I could here the banjo music all the way up at exit 240.
So with precious little time to make a decision on whether to drive 106 miles out of my way and just go back home. Or go the next 53 miles and try to find my way back to where I wanted to be with no map and no cell phone. Or do the only really logical choice and take the exit. So that's what I did, even though the signs advise of a $100 dollar fine for not paying a toll that they don't let you pay. Not to mention that after having a wonderful time at the airbrush get away I had to take the same on ramp back onto retard road to get home because as it turns out there is now other way with out adding hours of time onto the drive taking the backwoods way home.
So, if anyone has wandered into this blog that is in any way associated in a official capacity with retard road take note. Keep your tickets to yourself. I truly feel sorry for the first dipshit that is going to have the displeasure of dealing with me if I get a ticket in the mail. I will get back on retard road and take it all the way to Tallahassee and club someone like a baby seal if you so much as dare to even consider sending me a ticket. It's bad enough that every election that comes down the pipe makes us the laughing stock of the nation, but you start putting unmanned toll booths in the middle of no where on a road primarily driven by tourist, requiring them to have a special device they have no business having they will end up vacationing in some other place with a smarter government. Panama and Haiti come to mind.
I did see a sign while on retard road advising of a web site you could go to with questions or comments about retard road but I am afraid anything I could write at this time would possibly be taken as a terrorist threat.
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